City of Angels

What's it like?
What?
Warmth.
It's wonderful.
If you'd known this was going to happen...
...would you have done it?
I would rather have had...
...one breath of her hair...
...one kiss of her mouth...
...one touch of her hand.
...then an eternity without it.
One.

The 'NIGHT'...

So I am blogging....I am blogging on the night before CAT...not for any other reason but because I have nothing else to do....yesterday my mom called to wish me, because she didn't want to disturb me today(???) :)...
" so are you prepared?" she asked.
"No" came a terse reply.
" o..how will you manage in a day then!!" (mom).
I smiled and said "mom, it cannot be managed now!".
And then we both laughed.... :)...for the past 4 or 5 hours i have just switched off my cell to avoid all the "best of lucks".....sorry guys...had to do that else everytime you wish me luck, I feel I have to go on a war tomorrow.....
Apart from this CAT stuff things are going pretty fine...there is no backlog of movies....enjoying some good music...chatting with friends....sleeping...orkutting...blogging....dreaming..dreaming of doing this and that....dreaming of being at places....dreaming of making it big....and yes waiting..waiting for this B.tech to get over...there is not much left here to learn.. he he...
Anyways, i guess I should sleep now.... guys all the best for tomorrow....

P.S - This a sheer piece of crap....

It could be just anything that makes you smile ....it can be the silliest or wierdest thing..like the one liners written at the back of a truck.....apart from the usual ones like - 'horan pelease' and 'buri nazar wale, tera muh kala', here is one more I saw yesterday---
'latak mat, patak dunga! '

Not dumb anymore!

There is a lot of silence around me. Most of the people in the hostel have left for home to celebrate diwali. I am kind of enjoying this time.
I enjoyed the small chat with sadaf, in the mess, today. She told me about her childhood days, how she missed her grandma after she died. She was eight and a half then.

My childhood was the best period of my life till know and I guess will always remain so. And now when I look back at that time, I laugh upon myself and wonder - Omy God! What a dumb child I was….

We lived in an old government quarter with walls that were painted yellow. It was located in a farm with all those fields planted with ‘barseem’, ‘sarso’, ‘ganna’ and yes ‘munji’. The time they planted munji was the best time because that time the field was watered most. It was like a pseudo-little-river for me…..

Naniji would make me sit near her and study while she cooked food on her ‘chulha’.
All my attention would remain on the wood that was burning inside.. :)
To escape studies I sometimes hid behind the same ‘chulha’. Naniji made a song out of it.—
‘lado beti ladli..
chulhe peeche gadli…
jab ji chaha nikal li…’

These village songs…rather folk songs you call them…I have heard a lot of them. I still hear them from her.
I was in class fourth…we had a dance competition in our school. I cursed both of them for not buying me a ‘tape recorder’. ‘how do I participate now?’ I shouted. Naniji came with an instant solution. She taught me a folk song which was something like---

‘gazar ka halwa laya mera piya…..’

I sung it myself and danced on it while everybody laughed on me. :)
But I still believe I was the best…. :)
When ‘teez’ came, nanaji would make a ‘jhoola’ exclusive for the cinderella that was me….and while I enjoyed the swing both of them would sing the ‘teez special’---

‘ kachhe neem ki nimboli, saawan jaldi aiyo re…
dada door mat bihaiyo, dadi nahi bulane ki….
Mama door mat bihaiyo, mami nahi bulani ki…
……
……
……
And I would desperately wait for the line—
Nana door mat bihaiyo, nani nahi bulane ki….

Nanaji called naniji by her name 'shiksha'.
And I used to think that every man in this world calls her wife as ‘shiksha’. I never knew it was her name. I mean she was ‘amma’! thats it!..why did she need a name!
(it was much later that I was ‘informed’ that I was just too stupid!)

And yes that poor old black and white 36 years old television that introduced me to vyomkesh bakshi...potli baba ki…vikram betal….alif laila …I loved them all…..

When we got a phone connection I was given the privilege to make the first call. I called my friend just to know if she has taken my ’50 paisa’ pencil with her!
I was so enthusiastic every small thing that was brought into the house.
I was the happiest person on earth when we got a refrigerator. After all I would not rush with that 25 paisa coin to buy that small piece of ‘burf’ for my ‘rasna’.
That was my little paradise..and was the only princess… :)
I thought I was the most beautiful girl on earth. And when I came in class 5th I strongly felt that I should be take to a ‘parlour’ instead of the ‘local nai’.
And I hate that sick teacher who failed me in poem recitation. I mean how can you fail someone in that small an age!...i was just in K.G then!
(* That was the only time I failed before coming to college!)

ahh…I guess I can write pages on that….

Now I keep telling them that I have grown and matured…I have learned the ways of the world and stuff like that…
But they strongly believe that I was too dumb to improve….
They think their child is the most innocent girl on this earth. I was dumb..alright..but come on…I have come a long way now….see I have my own view points about things..i can argue with them now…I have started liking english numbers…wearing branded stuff….using orkut….i am socially more active then they were at my age!...those folk songs…home stiched frocks….plastic hairbands….they all form a long lost story!....

But then I still miss those fields…the old chulha…the black and white television…the tainted mirror….the yellow walls of the government quarter….and everything that made me dumb!...... :)

These days I desperately want to hear that jagjit singh's ghazal i heard long back....

kyun dare zindgi mein kya hoga.....
kuch na hoga to tazurba hoga!

Contemplate is the word!

You stuck in a stalemate??
Choking eh??
Unhappy?
Talk to somebody.
What? Doesn't help?
Talk to few more people!
Still doesn't work out?

ummm....
Stop!
Stop talking!
Stop running after people!
Relax!
yeah..you can be happy...
Look at the sunshine...
warm eh ??
Play your favourite number...
hmm...dancing again :)
crack that old poor joke...
lauging out loud??
Good.

Well now look inside...
o o...that needs immediate treatment...
Take a deep breath...close your eyes...Remember all good things in life....
Feel at peace....Calm??
Hey look..its there!...happyness!..how dumb of you...It was there at the first place...
You just needed to contemplate!
And hey love yourself before you love anybody else....
Good luck! :)

Just another conversation….

Me: I am bored of being at the same place for almost three and a half years now. Humans have created a strange conventional world. How can they give 25 yrs of their life to studying! And everybody is following the conventions is even more strange.

XYZ: (happens to be one of my female friends) yeah…Don’t you think old times were good? Girls were not taught. They were happy with what they had…with marriage…family…

Me: smiling.

XYZ: You know what…my sis is expecting. I said to her that she should enjoy now...you know…marriage, family…kids…she said – “ you become unhappy when you know what you deserve and you know what you deserve when you study! “

Me: When my grandma talks about how some girl is happy with his hubby( because he earns a decent amount…has a flat…blah blah) I am surprised. When I tell them that for me most important thing is having my space in life and having the wavelength match with the guy, she is surprised!...

XYZ : Yeah…we have set patterns…we have strong likings and dislikings…point of views… so ultimately all of us will be unhappy in a marriage!
I guess I won’t make my daughter study much. She will have a better life…

Me : yeah…send her to some arts school or somewhere where she can just have fun and grow….

XYZ : B.A it is…

Both smile and go to our respective rooms….

I am tagged!

Hey I have been tagged by siddhartha( sh-ithappens.blogspot.com).

How it works:-

1. Players start by posting 8 random facts about themselves.
2. Those who have been tagged, must post these rules, along with their 8 random facts.
3. Players should tag 8 other people and notify them, that they've been tagged.

Hmmm...8 facts about me :


1. They say "yesterday" was the first day I reached college on time in the past three years. And guess what - They are right! ;)

2. When I do something with interest I become so engrossed and lost in my own world that I will not listen to the most tempting gossips and important orders. I will infact block all the voices around me and you may have to try real hard to get me back. My mother says this came from papa. Papa feels too degraded when i am compared to him(???). He says i have all from my mother.

3. I have been brought up by my maternal grandparents(mind you affection was the sole reason :)).

4. I am extremely fond of hot chochlate fudge. And you better not disturb while I eat it with my eyes closed and making sounds like umm...

5. I like making stuffed parathans and making people eat them too :).

6. I think I might die by a road accident. I get jitters on seeing speeding vehicles.

7. I was a very confused child. For example I was always confused why one-ways are called one-way when it has two roads and two-way is called a two-way when it has only one road. I can be disastrous when it comes to directions and reading maps.

8. I appreciate subtle and witty humour but I enjoy silly humour. If you are using toilet jokes, illogical comedies, look around I might me laughing out loud somewhere. :)


And yes, I tag Anchit, Shikhar, Prakash, Rahul, Arpit, Varun sir, Nikhil sir and Manas.

The Random Number

Colloquial seminar....we are a group of four speaking on mobile cloning....I am explaining the authentication process in CDMA devices -
'..there is a network and a mobile terminal..Both of them contain an ESN no. and an A-key....The network generates a random number that combines with the other two elements and is fetched into CAVE algorithm to generate a SSD number...blah blah blah....At the end of the presentation a question pops up -
"How does the network generate the RANDOM number?"....
"RANDOMLY", I said....'

Ahem....

I am looking out of the window of the DTC which will take me to morri gate.....Some big names out there - SAARC Disaster Management center.....WHO.....and hey that looks like a slum!

I am a bad poet.. :)

After reading the previous post one of my friend told me that I am a bad poet and I almost instantly agreed :)....
Anyways those who read my last post should read the comment I got on that. I couldn't stop laughing on that one...I am putting it here so that you do not miss it :


Hey thats really nice,.
i tried along the same lines
i feel like a dog!,
i am barking..you are afraid
i come forward to bite you-
And you run away!!

now howsthat??!! Heheee..

I feel like.....

I feel like the rain drop,
I am falling,
you are spattering and sploshing.....
I am rising,
you are capturing....

I feel like the snow ball,
I am freezing,
you are holding and moulding...
I am falling,
you are catching.....

I feel like the wind...
I am blowing,
you are breathing and feeling...
I am whirling,
you are watching.....

I am back! :)

Those of you who were missing me badly(???) on blogosphere and were waiting for me to come back(oh really!) will be happy to know that Rupali is back!.. :)
It was a long break...no! i wasn't bereft of ideas...i was just waiting for people to come back to hostel after the holidays so that they could share the cost of the internet with me :)...infact i penned my thoughts many a times...but carelessly left them to go to the dustbin...or for deepu(my small cousin) to paint his aeroplanes and blue skies....
so now that i can afford to have the world at my table, i am sure you will see more of me on blogspot! :)

"Fear can hold you prisoner, hope can set you free."

Hey Shikhar...thanx for suggesting this movie to me..Though honestly speaking it wasn’t your suggestion that made me watch the movie…:) But then, there was nothing to do and one of my roommates had saved it on my system without me knowing ….I hardly have the patience to give my thoughts to a ‘movie’ for three continuous hours…I sometimes start watching a movie and stop doing so even before the story actually begins…sometimes I do watch it half….I mean it has to be really good to keep my attention….
After I watched the whole movie and advised everybody I met to watch it , I was amazed to realize that it managed to be brilliant without a female starcast!….no typical love making scenes….nothing that you wont believe…nothing that you won’t understand…but the message it carried….the simplicity with which it narrated a beautiful story of ‘hope’…..and not the mention the awesome piece of acting done by Morgan Freeman and Tim Robbins could not have been better….
Here goes some of the excerpts from the movie( I loved them)…have a look…

** Red (Morgan Freeman): They send you here for life and that's exactly what they take.

**
Red: The first nights the toughest. No doubt about it. They march you in naked as the day you were born. Skin burning, and half blind from that delousing shit they put on ya. And when they put you in that cell, and those bars slam home. That's when you know it's for real. Whole life blown away in the blink of an eye. Nothing left, but all the time in the world to think about it.



**
I have no idea to this day what those two Italian ladies were singin' about. Truth is, I don't want to know. Some things are best left unsaid. I like to think they were singin' about something so beautiful it can't be expressed in words and makes your heart ache because of it. I tell you, those voices soared, higher and farther than anybody in a gray place dares to dream. It was like some beautiful bird flapped into our drab little cage and made those walls dissolve away. And for the briefest of moments, every last man at Shawshank felt free.


** Andy: My wife used to say I'm a hard man to know. Like a closed book. Complained about it all the time. She was beautiful. God, I loved her. I just didn't know how to show it, that's all. I killed her, Red. I didn't pull the trigger, but I drove her away and that's why she died - because of me, the way I am.

**
Lord! It's a miracle! Man up and vanished like a fart in the wind….

**
Andy Dufresne, who crawled through a river of s--t and came out clean on the other side. Andy Dufresne, headed for the Pacific. Those of us who knew him best talk about him often. I swear the stuff he pulled. Sometimes it makes me sad, though, Andy being gone. I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright and when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice, but still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend.


** Red: I find I'm so excited I can barely sit still, or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel. A free man at the start of a long journey who's conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend, and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope

** Red: Rehabilitated? Well now, let me see. You know, I don't have any idea what that means...I know what you think it means. To me, it's just a made-up word, a politician's word so that young fellas like yourself can wear a suit and a tie and have a job. What do you really want to know? Am I sorry for what I did?...There's not a day goes by I don't feel regret. And not because I'm in here or because you think I should. I look back on the way I was then. A young, stupid kid who committed that terrible crime. I want to talk to him. I want to try and talk some sense to him. Tell him the way things are. But I can't. That kid's long gone. This old man is all that's left. I gotta live with that. 'Rehabilitated?' That's just a bullshit word. So you go on and stamp your forms, sonny, and stop wasting my time. Because to tell you the truth, I don't give a shit.

I hope that is enough to motivate you to watch this movie…
Enjoy!

......

You are there for me, I wanna know....
You care for me, I wanna know...
When I walk in the darkness, will you walk beside me, I wanna know....
I love you with all that I have, do you love me for that, I wanna know...
Do i matter?
How would I ever know?
How would I ever know?

Life is good....

Each time you will lose something they will say with an air of wisdom “ Life is good…”.
And when you hear this, take my word you are learning more, growing more….
Each day you overcome that ache inside you, you realize that life is good….
And one day you will start loving that one corner of your heart that ‘aches’.
After all it has taught you so much…to let go…to move ahead…
At times you tend to derive a strange sadistic pleasure out of those low moments….
a pleasure of ambivalence….
And in your trials and tribulations you find yourself, the one who is calm and deep, one who introspects and retrospects, one who forgives and forgets, and the one who knows that ‘ Life is good…’

For posterity.....

Hey! don't you dare say that you do not recognize me. After all you had been practising me for so long. I was passed into your blood from generations. I have become indispensible to you...
Remember the silence that prevailed in your house when you were born as a girl....
How you were taught to adjust and compromise, to forgive and sacrifice.....
You were tortured and used, harrased and killed, molested and raped.....
But you should not grumble Afterall you were always in 'demand', penned and praised, worshiped and idolized….
I was there in everybody who did this to you….

Remember, how you were taught by your parents that “Truth is supreme” and if you lie the boogeyman may pick you or God may not bless you with ice-creams and chocolates.
And you were so imbecile to believe ‘them’, those who later on taught you the contradictory lessons of being ‘worldly-wise’ and ‘self-interested’. It’s the ‘survival of the fittest’, they said.
It was then that I started creeping into you. You then kept turning the pages of your childhood innocence and learnt the newly added chapters of prudence and never looked back.

Remember, how your father taught you that ‘All men are equal’, ‘God is one’ ‘Respect all religion’….
You obsequiously imbibed all that he said. After all he was your ideal, your hero, who was always right.
And when you wanted to marry that decent, nice guy you loved, your father refused because he worshipped some ‘other God’.
Oh no! please do not blame your father for all this. It was me who forced him….

Remember, how one single prince was saved. The whole country came to a standstill suddenly. All hands joined together to pray for him, all eyes were constantly glued to the television sets till the little prince escaped from the gallows of death.
Take my word, even more than forty killings in Nithari would not match those TRP’s . The media should be thankful to me….

I have been a way of life. I am religious too, albeit secular. You can find me at all religious places, with little effort. Some even find me synonymous to religion.
You call me ‘hypocrisy’ with love. Whether it was your home, your school, your society, your country, I was always there in my macro and micro forms.
I am somewhat like humor, clever, quick, contemporary….
You had been learning my nuances for so long. I was there when you loved me. I was there when you hated…
And now you blame me of contaminating you!
Instead I will sue you for contaminating me. I occurred in purest forms. You contaminated me, distorted me to uglier, incognizable forms, as per your requirements, every now and then.
I have now become your age old tradition, your cultural heritage and you are obligated to save and preserve me…save me for posterity…..